time for some more sad white girl angst

[elementalhero]

Every time I make the mistake of feeling like my male friends are "better" than the rest of the guys of the world, as if my personal feministic beliefs somehow emanate from my body and create a bubble shield of education-on-privilege that covers all my loved ones, I suddenly find someone telling a misogynistic joke on Facebook or slut-shaming in their everyday speech.

I try to correct them, but with the knowledge that I consider myself a feminist, their reaction is to hastily assure me that it's "just a joke," or that someone else told it to them, or any array of excuses. If I continue to calmly correct them, saying that these reasons are not reasons to continue perpetuating the kyriarchy, they come to the conclusion that I am personally angry with them, am incapable or unwilling to be "reasoned with," on account of all my wacky feministic ideas, and they save themselves the trouble of examining their behavior by changing the subject or shutting the conversation down.

They fail to realize that I'm not angry with them. I'm scared for them. I don't want to see the hands of patriarchy working their mouths like puppeteers, stringing up their limbs and using them to perpetuate the sick power imbalance by reason of their own privilege. It's sickening and terrifying. They're my friends. I don't want them to be wrong. I want them to be right. If they were using drugs, I'd stage an intervention; if they were depressed, I'd advise them to see a doctor; and if I saw or heard them writing or saying misogynistic, ableist, racist, cis-gender-privileged, etc. things, I would tell them to stop and why it's important that they DO stop. Because I care about them. They're my friends.


I hate this sometimes.


somewhat-reassuring-though-not-totally-but-it's-getting-there edit!: He posted on my wall saying "I am sorry I hurt you." Though the problem wasn't really that I was hurt and more that I wanted him to refrain from saying hurtful things in future, I thanked him and wished him a happy Thanksgiving. Do I feel better? A bit.

Comments

[venombites.livejournal.com]

I feel like one of the most important things you can do in these kinds of situations (when you are faced with individuals who you are close with, even love, who do not necessarily understand how kyriarchy works) is to have repeated, non-threatening conversation. Tell them why what they say is reaffirming it, as well as destructive/harmful/hurtful toward other people.

[okroginator.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I made sure not to sound actually angry. It was a shame it happened over Facebook and not face-to-face, given the nature of text-based communication, but I felt like I did all I could do.

[ironyaficionado.livejournal.com]

All guys are dumb anyway.

[the-sun-is-up.livejournal.com]

Yeah, it sucks. I think the key is to not get visibly angry (regardless of how justified your anger might be) and instead take a relaxed "hey, you made this mistake, let me help you fix it" attitude. But even so, there are still going to be some guys who just get huffy and defensive and stick their fingers in their ears, which is really frustrating. But I applaud you for trying!

[okroginator.livejournal.com]

come here and gimme a hug, you

[okroginator.livejournal.com]

I almost kept scrolling, but then I decided the buck stops here. And as the edit says, he did apologize after. Maybe not in the exactly right spirit, but close.

[ironyaficionado.livejournal.com]

[ninja-butterfly.livejournal.com]

unrelated, but! ironside rec'd you on a friending meme to me, and i'm pretty sure you're the girl who wrote the axel/karin fanfic i loved so much? so hi! (:

[okroginator.livejournal.com]

Yup, that's me!

/friends