elementalhero: NO PANTS (ξcg | these deep solitudes)
I miss college. I am reaching the point where I am starting to wonder if the whole thing wasn't just a very detailed, lengthy lucid dream I had. The nightmare I had last week is weighing heavily on my mind. I hate this job. Not even the work itself is the worst, though it is awful - no, what I hate is what I feel I am losing. Creativity. Drive. Days of life. This is my last year as a "teenager," and I have barely seen the sun so far. You start to realize how people can spend thirty-five years working this shit job in this shit place, and that's because you get so tired, so worn, so hurt, that it's easier to sit and stay than to get up and run and never come back.

I want to go out somewhere. I want to do all the stupid, ill-advised things I've spent my entire life being too sensible to do. I want to laugh and run and hope and reach out and grasp the stars in my fist. When Sean and I were dating the winter of my junior year, he promised me that he'd show me how to break into the middle school and climb onto the roof once summer came. We broke up in February and that never happened, obviously. I wish it had happened. I wish I could just get out. Eight months away at school and I'd managed to forget how stifling this town is, how stunted your dreams become because of the size of the planter they're grown in. It's worse because I feel like I caught a whiff, a taste of the Big Wide Open World, before coming back here and chaining myself to this job.

I'm quitting after the first week in August. I'm squeezing a summer into those three weeks thereafter, and then I go back to school. I'm not stuck here. I'm not going to be working at Offset forever. But it feels like I am. Deep in my heart, it feels like the past six-seven weeks have been a lifetime, and I've got another lifetime ahead before it's done. I can't imagine what it's like not to have an escape route. When you're little, and your parents say that education will open doors, you don't realize what they mean because you've never gotten a glimpse of what it's like to be stuck behind when the doors shut. I've seen it. It scares the fucking shit out of me. I try to commiserate with my mom, but she has little sympathy for me. I can't honestly blame her. I've had a great life. I'm not going to be throwing bundles for thirty-five years. I know all this. But there's knowing and then there's feeling, and right now, I feel a nameless terror at the sight of adulthood, nearing and leering ever closer to me. My feet ache. My shoulders ache. My head aches. My heart aches. I can barely write anymore.

At this point, I don't even give a shit about the money. I want out. I want out.
elementalhero: NO PANTS (Itachi [bloodshed])

I always get on here all prepared to make a giant emo post about how much I hate myself for running away from these scholarship applications and basically being too lazy or self-sabotaging or something to actually do things that I know need to get done.

And then I get on here and see a post from somebody else's life that is sad and real and makes my issues look trivial in return, and I just end up feeling like the whiniest, laziest sack of shit on the planet.

Screw it.  I'm going to post this dorky meme and go watch some Naruto filler or something while I wonder what I'm going to do with the rest of my life.

Everyone has a character they feel connected to, whether it be in a book, movie, show or video game. But how do others perceive you? Have your f-list tell you a character they see you as, and maybe even explain why.
elementalhero: NO PANTS (Itachi [bloodshed])

I have about forty thousand things to do for school in the next four days (break?  what break?) and I'm afraid of going to college and I'm afraid of not going to college and I can't even think properly anymore and everything is awful all the time and they had better not take LJ away from me.

*f**king cries*
elementalhero: NO PANTS (twins [GTFO])
I got a 2190 on my SAT's.  1500 with just the old math and verbal.

I should be happy.

My parents want the best for me.

I should be happy.


I'm smart.

Why am I not happy?
elementalhero: NO PANTS (Harry [angry emotastic])
Dear parents:

Okay, here's the deal.  I missed an assignment in a class and turned it in a day late for half-credit.  I got a bad grade in another class, but I redid it for seven points added to my grade.  I did my best on that one.  And I failed to ace it.

I'm not perfect.  You two know that.  You tell me you know that.

What you fail to realize is this: I don't want to be perfect.

I spend time on the Internet because I enjoy it.  That doesn't mean I'm slacking off.

I genuinely forget things.  I genuinely screw up sometimes.  But I always pick myself up and resolve to do better.

You give me lectures and you tell me that you're so disappointed in me.

If I lived my life solely the way that wouldn't disappoint everyone, I'd hate myself forever.

I'm not doing well in school for you.  I'm doing it for me and my future.  So if you think that punishing me will make me do better, I'm insulted that you assume I wouldn't be disappointed in myself and resolve to do better on my own.  In fact, I'm disgusted that you seem to think so low of me.

And if I do badly on an assignment simply for failing to fall within the cute little box of state standards for education?  I don't care.

I've stopped caring.

You tell me I'm so smart that I could do anything I wanted.

What would you say if this is what I want?
elementalhero: NO PANTS (kairiku angel)

But before I get to that, I have to mention that I upgraded to a Plus account.  GAWD, I'M A CAPITALIST SELLOUT.  But I really wanted more userpics...

So, anyway, I finished the prologue to that fic I was angsting about last entry, and I fired it off to all my betas.  But then as soon as I did that, I had a printed out version to give to Loren at school (because I like getting critiqued in pen.  It's cooler.), and I read it over that night and I woke up this morning and thought, 

"Oh, god.  I phail."

Because suddenly, I don't like it.

Well, no.  I still like it.  I put my sweat and blood into that prologue, and I like it.  But I was no longer...proud of it.  And all day, all I could think about was how much my betas were going to hate it, and what a jerkface I was for asking around for betas like some whiny little kid, and how all I could think about was me and my needs when everyone else has just as much on their plates as I do, and how I almost missed my journaism deadline because I'm a lazyass, and how I can't seem to be able to do anything without all this saccharine encouragement from other people and I can't do that big hugeass hallelujah in the song we're doing for District Chorus and I fought with my younger sister today and I stepped on the top step (we're revarnishing the steps) and it's my mom's birthday and I didn't care and I'm just a total scumbag, okay???

But seriously, all it took was the slightest self-doubt to ruin my day.  How will I make it as a real author when critics are raining genuine criticism at me?  Will I go home and emo on my future!LiveJournal?  Will I cry???  What is wrong with me?

I looked up postpartum depression online, and it says that sometimes mothers will experience severe mood swings after giving birth, especially in times of stress.  And my moods were swinging on a dime today.  So maybe this fic is my baby that I had with Riku lol.

I even forgot to talk like a pirate.

There is only one word for today, and it is ARGLEBLARGH.


elementalhero: NO PANTS (Default)

December 2013

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