Another Irish Drinking Song

I miss college. I am reaching the point where I am starting to wonder if the whole thing wasn't just a very detailed, lengthy lucid dream I had. The nightmare I had last week is weighing heavily on my mind. I hate this job. Not even the work itself is the worst, though it is awful - no, what I hate is what I feel I am losing. Creativity. Drive. Days of life. This is my last year as a "teenager," and I have barely seen the sun so far. You start to realize how people can spend thirty-five years working this shit job in this shit place, and that's because you get so tired, so worn, so hurt, that it's easier to sit and stay than to get up and run and never come back.

I want to go out somewhere. I want to do all the stupid, ill-advised things I've spent my entire life being too sensible to do. I want to laugh and run and hope and reach out and grasp the stars in my fist. When Sean and I were dating the winter of my junior year, he promised me that he'd show me how to break into the middle school and climb onto the roof once summer came. We broke up in February and that never happened, obviously. I wish it had happened. I wish I could just get out. Eight months away at school and I'd managed to forget how stifling this town is, how stunted your dreams become because of the size of the planter they're grown in. It's worse because I feel like I caught a whiff, a taste of the Big Wide Open World, before coming back here and chaining myself to this job.

I'm quitting after the first week in August. I'm squeezing a summer into those three weeks thereafter, and then I go back to school. I'm not stuck here. I'm not going to be working at Offset forever. But it feels like I am. Deep in my heart, it feels like the past six-seven weeks have been a lifetime, and I've got another lifetime ahead before it's done. I can't imagine what it's like not to have an escape route. When you're little, and your parents say that education will open doors, you don't realize what they mean because you've never gotten a glimpse of what it's like to be stuck behind when the doors shut. I've seen it. It scares the fucking shit out of me. I try to commiserate with my mom, but she has little sympathy for me. I can't honestly blame her. I've had a great life. I'm not going to be throwing bundles for thirty-five years. I know all this. But there's knowing and then there's feeling, and right now, I feel a nameless terror at the sight of adulthood, nearing and leering ever closer to me. My feet ache. My shoulders ache. My head aches. My heart aches. I can barely write anymore.

At this point, I don't even give a shit about the money. I want out. I want out.

I think I'll just make a random babbly post again! YAAAAAAAAY

I woke up too late this morning to eat breakfast before my CORE Japan class, which is supposed to be about culture and stuff but is actually an econ course in disguise THANKS PROFESSOR KATO >O all the other CORE Japan classes are reading The Tale of Genji and talking about bushido and the Heian period while I am looking at charts s-sob TT__TT So I ate an orange after class let out, which was around 9:45, but it was a little green and now my tummy hurts for some reason. :C YOU WOULD THINK I WOULD BE MUCH MORE EMO ABOUT TODAY, BUT I'VE BEEN SURPRISINGLY MELLOW ABOUT EVERYTHING.

Which is funny, considering all the entries around both my senior and junior years of high school at this time are full of WANGST and EMUUUUU and general fail whining. Perhaps my vow about a month ago to not let anything Masashi Kishimoto does bother me anymore has broadened and expanded to all walks of life? I HAVE ACHIEVED ZEN THROUGH CRAPPY MANGA 8D and capslock, too.

Polanskigate is full of fail, but other people have expressed their rage far better than I ever could. My problem is, I can at times be extremely eloquent, and at other times be extremely angry, but I can rarely be extremely eloquent while I'm angry. D| So either I look like some cold dispassionate person who doesn't really care, or a SPITTING FOAMING BALL OF RAAAAABIES. I can't win. I also feel kind of awkward and bad because this whole stupid story came out a day after I started writing that huge M-rated fic mentioned in an earlier post, and I'm starting to feel uncomfortable writing it because like I don't know, it's just weird to be really angry about Polanski and then write something involving dark themes that are similar and I feel kind of bad about it. But at the same time, I haven't written this much this fast since...um, a long time. WHY DO I FAIL AT BEING A NORMAL HUMAN BEEEEING SOB *forks self in head* fine, I'm going to hell, whatever.

I wanna get a DS and play 358/2 Daysssss~~ Kingdom Hearts, I miss you. ;_; (Is there a Riku portion of the game? Is there? Please? *WANTS*)

It's so cold here nowadays. D| It also has rained on/off nonstop for FIVE DAYS. graaaaah upstate New York D| D| D|

/fails to conclude post in a snappy, concise manner

I always get on here all prepared to make a giant emo post about how much I hate myself for running away from these scholarship applications and basically being too lazy or self-sabotaging or something to actually do things that I know need to get done.

And then I get on here and see a post from somebody else's life that is sad and real and makes my issues look trivial in return, and I just end up feeling like the whiniest, laziest sack of shit on the planet.

Screw it.  I'm going to post this dorky meme and go watch some Naruto filler or something while I wonder what I'm going to do with the rest of my life.

Everyone has a character they feel connected to, whether it be in a book, movie, show or video game. But how do others perceive you? Have your f-list tell you a character they see you as, and maybe even explain why.

I'm hyperventilating.

I have to write a persuasive speech with SOURCES and VISUAL AIDS in one hour.  On the No Child Left Behind Act.  Under the influence of less than four hours of sleep.

*hyperventilates*
*cries*

I had to write this stupid essay, and it took me all fracking night, and I'm constantly running on empty and doing things at the last minute, just trying to stay afloat with my life, and oh yeah I also have calculus homework to do, and physics, and an outline for English, and a story for Creative Writing, and

FK THIS ALL.

EDIT: MAKING UP SOURCE NUMBER ONE, KTHXBAI.

Dear parents:

Okay, here's the deal.  I missed an assignment in a class and turned it in a day late for half-credit.  I got a bad grade in another class, but I redid it for seven points added to my grade.  I did my best on that one.  And I failed to ace it.

I'm not perfect.  You two know that.  You tell me you know that.

What you fail to realize is this: I don't want to be perfect.

I spend time on the Internet because I enjoy it.  That doesn't mean I'm slacking off.

I genuinely forget things.  I genuinely screw up sometimes.  But I always pick myself up and resolve to do better.

You give me lectures and you tell me that you're so disappointed in me.

If I lived my life solely the way that wouldn't disappoint everyone, I'd hate myself forever.

I'm not doing well in school for you.  I'm doing it for me and my future.  So if you think that punishing me will make me do better, I'm insulted that you assume I wouldn't be disappointed in myself and resolve to do better on my own.  In fact, I'm disgusted that you seem to think so low of me.

And if I do badly on an assignment simply for failing to fall within the cute little box of state standards for education?  I don't care.

I've stopped caring.

You tell me I'm so smart that I could do anything I wanted.

What would you say if this is what I want?

I IZ FREE.

Well, no.  Actually, not at all.  But my next major project which was assigned right after I handed in the one that has kept me from the computer for forever is due in a week-and-a-half.   So.  

GOD, THIS YEAR IS SO BUSY AND IT SUCKS SO MUCH.

I need to lie down.

But I bought Eclipse today, so I can read that and be merry.  AND MAYBE I CAN SLEEP FOR A FULL EIGHT HOURS TONIGHT HOLYCRAPKTHX.

I'm dressing up as an emo kid for Halloween, by the way.  :D